Hey, Soos! #15

January 25, 2021

Hey, Soos!

Fearing death is nothing new. It’s the greatest unknown for humans. We all have differing ideas on what happens after we take our last breath. But nothing has been proven wholeheartedly. Most people don’t like to think or talk about dying. I mean, it makes a ton of sense. It can put a real damper on an otherwise good mood.

But as I’m starting to get older, I’ve thought more and more about how not to be afraid of dying. Over the past few years, my fear of death has heightened to a level that I’ve never seen before. I’m fairly certain that it has to do with me no longer being connected to a church. I guess you could say I’ve gone through a crisis of faith: a somewhat terrifying experience that in the end has been quite fulfilling in its own unique way.

Of course Soos, you are already well aware of my relationship with faith. In a way, you are a figurehead and guide for me as I got on my lifelong spiritual journey. You are God, and Soos is simply my nickname for you.

So, back to the subject of death…

I don’t know if death is really my greatest fear. In fact, I’m pretty sure that my greatest fear is not living with fulfillment and purpose. Even when I was an innocent teen (wink, wink), I often thought of what I would make of my life. Life is the greatest adventure that we can all take, and I want to be fully present in mine.

I try to get lost in my passions and be creative at every opportunity I can get. I try to be the best person that I can be. But Soos, sometimes I feel like it’s never enough.

I don’t want to die with a list of regress.

I don’t want to waste away in a career that I know isn’t for me.

I don’t want to lose my recovery because I wasn’t strong enough.

Fearing death and fearing not living a purposeful life are in some ways controlling my everyday life. But I no longer want that to be the story going forward. I won’t say that those fears have held me back. In a way, they have been lessons. But now that I’ve lived in the lessons, I now have to live in the actions.

Soos, I’ll continue to follow your example as best as I can. It won’t happen right away, but in the end I’ll be one step closer to freedom.

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