October 12, 2020
I struggle a lot with my anger. This isn’t a new trend in my life. Looking back on my younger years, I notice that my anger was forcefully building to a breaking point. I can vividly remember punching walls, kicking in doors, throwing shit on the floor with all of my strength. Anger seemed to overtake it whenever it came along, disrupting my rational thinking, causing me to lash out. Thankfully I never took my anger out on anyone, but there were times where I came pretty fucking close.
I remember screaming out “EVERYONE CAN GO TO HELL!” It was during a summer of my youth when I was certain that everyone in my family was out to get me. My grandma Janice heard me and called for me to come down to talk to her. I was scared out of my mind, certain that I would be in terrible trouble.
But I was wrong. Grandma Janice told me that she understood my feelings, and even joked about my outburst. Of course, Grandma had a lot of anger of her own that she dealt with every day. And now knowing more about her life years after her passing away, it makes complete sense. I guess anger is something that runs from generation to generation, just in various forms.
I don’t like being angry. It’s so draining on my psyche and makes me feel like a piece of shit. I know that it’s a very normal human emotion, but I feel such a deep sense of shame whenever I go through it. I often have thoughts that one day I will snap and hurt someone I love. I do my best to keep the anger down, but what if that’s just making it worse?
I need your help Soos. I don’t want to be an evil person whose sole purpose is to cause pain to others. You may be the only one who can get me out of this pit. At least you can help me help myself.
Maybe the latter is the better option.