I want a good life

But there’s a part of me that fears that I won’t be able to have that life. I fear that my number will be called long before I’m able to do all that I want. Maybe there will be some freak accident where I’m thrown from a plane and plummet thousands of feet to my death. Or maybe I’ll get a terrible disease and be bedridden for the rest of my life. My anxiety causes me to ponder these situations and more, and by doing that I am taken out of the present and trapped in my mind. It becomes an inescapable cycle that leaves me spiraling. I try my best to get a grip on myself and my surroundings, but it feelings impossible. I’m a prisoner in my body with no escape in sight. It feels like I’m dying. It feels like hell. 

Contrary to popular belief, I hate when my mind does this. I hate being taken out of my life and put on an anxiety spiral. I hate feeling like I’ve already been given a death sentence before there’s really any evidence to back it up. I want to enjoy life without fearing it, but I just can’t seem to get there. I know that I need help. But where am I going to get it?

I can’t really say that my future holds, but I can determine how I respond to it. Even though I have tons of anxious and unpleasant feelings, that doesn’t mean that I have to let them control my life. They are a condition and not a definition for my life. I know that I can’t completely rid myself of anxiety and its effects, but I won’t let it keep me from living a good life. I only have one chance at lie, and I don’t want to live it in constant fear. That’s no way to live at all. But how do I change my situation? I honestly don’t know. 

And that’s the scariest part of all.