Finding the will to live

Life has a way of being both beautiful and ugly, wonderful and frightening. Every day you can experience a whole host of different emotions that can make you feel as high as the clouds or like you’re sinking to the bottom of a deep abyss. With everything that life can throw at you during any given day you may begin to wonder if life is even worth living at all. It’s certainly not as easy thing to think about. We mostly shy away from thinking such thoughts, or at least acknowledging them. Sometimes slipping into those thoughts makes it harder to come back out. The darkness begins to feel familiar and in a sick way, even safe. The goodness of life no longer seems natural but like foreign territory. Whenever life starts to feel like this, it’s time to start reminding ourselves why we’re alive in the first place, and what good can still come even in the midst of our darkest moments.

In many people’s eyes it doesn’t seem like I’ve lived very long, but to me it sometimes feels like I’ve been here forever. Having severe anxiety and depression has internally aged me well beyond my 24 years of physical life. In some ways it feels like I have experienced a life before this one, but of course that’s impossible to prove. The life that I am living now has had its fair share of triumphs, heartbreaks and everything in between. But because of a host of factors I have always tended to focus and obsess over the heartbreaks. Most of the time I can remember with great clarity all the bad things that have happened in my life while constantly struggling to remember the good. And when I focus on those bad times and let the negativity fester, I start to slip into the familiar darkness. I become a mere shell of my happier self and soon after begin to question what is the point of being here at all. It always feels like the darkness will never end and I’ll never experience real joy again. This is the bad place. And I’m fighting every day to stay out of it.

Looking at my life I’d say I have many reasons to not give up on it. Despite the bad that has happened I have also experienced a lot fo the good. I have loved ones who want me to have joy and will try their best to help me achieve it. I have many dreams and goals that I want to fulfill, and my desire to do those things gives me a drive to keep going. And in general I think I still have some unwavering hope that life can and will get better. Even in my darkest moments, the times where I have contemplated giving up, a part of me knew that life is not always bad and that chance can happen. Life is constantly changing, and sometimes the best thing that we can do is flow along with it.

To anyone struggling with the bad things in their live, I encourage you to not give up just yet. You may be in the bad place  now but that does not mean you always will be. Life will give you that goodness that you are so desperately searching for. I hope that you finding your own will to live and that you live your life in the fullest way possible. Don’t give up. You need life and it needs you.

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