Tomorrow will be the beginning of a new chapter in my life. This chapter will be titled Healing. Healing from the wounds of my past. Healing from my many insecurities. Healing from the darkness that has festered inside me for so long. Tomorrow will be the beginning of a turning point that will change my life forever.
At least, that’s what I’m hoping it will be.
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 5 years old, but tomorrow will be the first time that I take part in a hospital outpatient program for mental health. It is not the treatment that I was originally seeking, but it’s the one that I so desperately need. For so long I have struggled with my mental health, and no amount of coping mechanisms has helped in a significant way. They either haven’t worked or I didn’t try hard enough to make them work (mostly the second option). Either way, I have been stuck. But this new program is an opportunity. It will be an opportunity to learn–to learn more about my illnesses and how to effectively respond to them. It will be an opportunity to be open and honest, not only with others but with myself as well. And ultimately, it will be an opportunity to actively heal. I will no longer be waiting around for some miracle to occur that will make me whole again. I will be the one standing up for myself and advocating for my right to be happy and healthy.
I know it won’t be an easy process. There will probably be tears and days where I will feel like I can’t go on. But there will also be laughter, smiles, and hope. I am praying that this outpatient program will be a major change in my life. I no longer want to feel like a prisoner in my own mind. It may not be my actual last chance at freedom, but it sure feels that way. We will see as the weeks go on. Hopefully by the end, I will be a new person.