I have been struggling lately. I am not sure what has brought this on or if there’s a single cause to it, but I know that it has been slowly eating at me for the past few months. I am not sure what to do or who to turn to. All o know is that I need some sort of answers. But where can I find them? Do they even exist?
I am afraid to die. Absolutely terrified of the prospect. I know that it is going to happen and that nothing I do can stop it, but it still brings me dread. I wish I could run from it. But I can’t. I can’t do anything about it. Yet even in this dreary situation there is still a glimmer of hope. And that hope is Heaven.
We don’t know much about Heaven. We are given the picture of pearly white gates and soft clouds and beautiful angels flying about. It is supposed to be the perfect place where there is no pain or sorrow. All the good in the universe in one place. And I desperately want to get there. But does “there” even exist?
I often struggle in my faith, and I think that’s ok. In fact, I think it is quite healthy to struggle. To struggle with your faith means that you are thinking and growing. God did not create us to be mindless robots who are blind followers of a certain doctrine. We are all unique creations who have our own paths in life, and we are all made to make our own choices. We need to be thinkers in order to get the most out of faith. God gave us brains and wants us to use them.
But struggling with your faith can also be scary. I’ve been struggling with mine for the past few years, but in recent months it has become much worse. Whenever I pray it just feels like I’m talking to myself. I don’t feel like God is actually listening. I don’t go to church like I used to. Many times I just feel like an outsider whenever I’m there. I read my Bible but am constantly doubting its words. I am searching for feelings but keep coming up empty. I just wish God would say something to me. Sure it would scare the shit out of me, but at least I would know He’s there.