Death on My Mind

Death is one of the few certainties that we have in life. No matter your race, class, sexual orientation or gender, death will eventually knock on your door. In fact I guess we are all technically dying. Some of us are just dying faster and more tragically then others. It’s a sad truth to grapple with, and it’s one that has been on my mind as of late.

My thoughts of death usually come right before I fall asleep. I’m not entirely sure why that is. Maybe that is when my kind is most vulnerable. Or maybe it’s because I am close to falling into a state that is like death. Either way, death usually comes. I try my best not to focus on it and go through my obsessive thoughts, but once I start spiraling there’s no stopping. I go through a whirlwind of scenarios on my death and the deaths of others. I think about my grandma Janice who passed away four years ago. I believe in God and Heaven, but at times I am still afraid that I will never see her again. I am filled with dread that sits on my heart, leaving me feeling hopeless. Thinking of death takes the life out of me. How fitting.

I am honestly terrified of dying. I’m terrified about going into the greatest unknown in the world. But that thought should not dominate my headspace while I’m trying to live. I must learn how to focus on life. I cannot control whatever may come in the future. I can only focus on what’s going on in the now. And what’s going on is life. There is a life to be lived and I only have one chance to do so. I will try with my all my might to live that life well and honorably. Sure, one day death will show up and take me to my final destination. But before that comes my life, and I want to make it a good one. I guess I better get started.

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