My Anxiety (A Collection of Thoughts)

My life is controlled by my anxiety. I have been forced to give up the reigns. Anxiety determines what I do, how I feel, and what I think. My anxiety wants it all, a selfish beast that lacks any sense of mercy for my feelings. I try to deal with it the best I can, but I am fighting a losing battle. My weapons are broken, my spirit defeated. Anxiety is winning, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Please. Can anyone help me?

Are people tired of hearing about my anxiety? I think they are. They see me as weak. I am a woman with no backbone. I want to talk it through in order to try to make sense of it all. But people are tired of listening to me. I can no longer burden others with my many issues. I need to take them on by myself. I don’t want to push my loved ones away. I guess it’s time I venture out alone.

What would my life be like if I didn’t have anxiety? Would I be more care free? Would I be brave? Reckless? I would no longer feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would feel free. Free from my mind. Free from my past. Free from my fears. I would be a beautiful life. But is it a possible one?

At times I wonder about death. I fears its power and permanent deal. I think about the deaths of my family, friends, and even my furry pets. I wonder what it will be like when they are done. How will I feel? Will I be able to go on? They are scary thoughts for sure. Ultimately I end up thinking about my own death. What will it feel like? Where will I go? Is there anything after to look forward to? These questions rage inside my mind. There is no real purpose in entertaining these thoughts. They only fair my anxiety worse. I guess I should stop then.

I try to fight my anxiety. I don’t want it to control my life. I think about happy thoughts, trying with all my might to fight the negative ones. At times it feels like I’m winning, but it is all false hope. Is all of my fighting just in vain? I want to take back control and live the life I want. In my mind it is possible to achieve this goal, but I can’t seem to make it come to fruition. What do I have to do to live a free life? What must I achieve?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s