Hello old friend…
It has been a few weeks since we last conversed. I hope that over that time life treated you well and was not too hard on you. Of course with you existing inside of my brain I already know how you have been, but I wanted to be polite. My parents raised me to have respectable manners, but you knew that already.
If I am speaking honestly, I’d say that medicine has become a good friend of ours these past few weeks. That sentence wasn’t always true. Many times it has felt like medicine would never respond to our endless amount of texts. Medicine was “ghosting” us. But now medicine has gotten in check and back in the program of making us better. Of course it cannot be the only source of this drive towards stability and peace, but it sure as hell helps. It feels like the pieces are finally starting to come together and I might actually have a shot of “feeling better”. Too bad there is just one issue standing in the way.
I think my thought process has always been my biggest complaint when it comes to our relationship. At times I feel like I am operating at level 10, while at others I just feel fucked up. My thoughts can haunt me, taking me away from the life I’m supposed to be living. Their control over me is terrifying to say the least. There’s one thought that haunts me the most.
I don’t want to talk about that thought for fear of how others will react, especially the One. It shouldn’t bother me as much as it does, but I just can’t let it go. I feel irrational and stupid. I want to be free of this thought and move on. Why Mind? Why are you still holding on to it?
Mind, your greatest weapons against my sanity are the thoughts you throw at me every single day. I am still learning how to fight back, but for right now I have to take the punches. That torturous thought will continue to inflict pain.
But there’s no way in hell that I will let it win.